Satire / Humor Warning:
As the author, I have been told I have a very subtle sense of humor.
This page is a work of satire, inspired by the likes of The Onion and early incarnations of The Onion Dome.
It is not real news.
Dear Valued Orthodox;
Have you ever thought about being a bishop? Have you thought how special that office would be?
Have you thought it was beyond you?
It doesn’t need to be. Being a bishop is very easy, if only you know how.
How is it possible? Well, really, there’s a method that’s right at your fingertips. And it’s almost two thousand years old.
Jesus didn’t start out with a Church under him. What he did instead was start with twelve disciples, who in turn discipled others. When he set the ball in motion, it grew and grew and grew.
Would you like to be a bishop? Let me explain how it’s done. Then you’ll see how many people you can have under you. All you have to do is edit the following list, then send it out to twelve people and the contact person at the bottom of the list. That’s it! See, you have a list:
Write your name and email in the slot immediately above your rank, pushing others down to make room. For instance, if you’re a layman, you put your name in the ‘reader’ slot, push everyone down, making the ‘bishop’ the ‘contact bishop’ below the list.
Then send the updated list to the new contact bishop, who will make arrangements for tonsures, ordinations, and consecrations.
Reader: Lawrence Town, firstname.lastname@example.org
Subdeacon: Sdn. John Clough, email@example.com
Deacon: Fr. Dn. John Cloud, firstname.lastname@example.org
Priest: Fr. Andrew Costello, email@example.com
Bishop: His Grace ANTHYMUS, firstname.lastname@example.org
Contact Bishop (for tonsures/ordinations/consecrations): THOMAS, email@example.com
Needs monastic tonsure (check one): [ ] Yes / [ ] No.
That’s it! What happens now is that you will have twelve people below you, and if each of them has twelve people below them, then the number of people will shoot up, growing at a geometric rate like an intelligent computer in a bad science fiction movie! Just look at this chart, if you’re a layman now, and I say now, because you don’t need to be a layman for long!
That’s more than a quarter of a million followers when you’re a bishop! And best of all, the opportunity doesn’t stop there. As your own followers become deacons and then priests, you become an archbishop and a metropolitan. The sky is the limit!
It really works! I was a layman who found out this opportunity only three weeks ago, and now I’m His All Holiness THOMAS, The Patriarch of Xanadu! Think about it! All you have to do is a little editing, and then forward this email! Can you afford to wait?
Do it now!
X His Holiness THOMAS, the Patriarch of Xanadu