Christian koans

CJSH.name/koans

Hayward's Unabridged Dictionary
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A master observed that a novice was involved in many kinds of service and all kinds of good works. The master asked the novice, “Why do you do so many good works?”

“Because I am trying to make myself acceptable to God,” the novice said.

The master set a tile before the novice, and began to polish it.

“What are you doing?”, the novice asked.

“I am polishing this tile, to make it into a mirror.”

“You can’t make a tile into a mirror by polishing it!”, the novice protested.

“And neither can you make yourself acceptable to God by good works,” the master answered.


A scholar wrote an article saying, “The Bible shows evidence of post editing and was heavily influenced by the political climate of the day. Its interpretation depends highly on one’s perspective.”

A believer read the article, and said, “This article shows evidence of post editing and was heavily influenced by the political climate of the day. Its interpretation depends highly on one’s perspective.”


A man came to a believer and said, “You say that you know God exists. Prove it to me.”

The believer said, “Do you have any matches?”

“Yes.”

The believer took a napkin, and soaked it in water. “You say that you have matches. Set this napkin on fire.”


Someone said to a believer, “If God performed a miracle in front of me, I would believe.”

The believer held up a blade of grass.


A novice closed his eyes, folded his hands, and began to say, “Our Father, who art in Heaven…”

A master said, “What are you doing?”

“I am assuming the right posture and saying the right words to pray.”

“You can’t pray by assuming a posture and saying a specific set of words.”

“Then how do you pray?”

The master closed his eyes, folded his hands, and began, “Our Father, who art in Heaven…”


A master saw a novice gulping from a bottle of wine. “What are you doing?”, the master said.

“I had a really rough day. I need a drink.”

The master threw the wine against a wall. “Never drink wine because you need to.”

“Do you drink wine?”, the novice asked.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I do not need to.”


A Catholic and a Protestant were having a debate about faith and works, versus faith which works. Someone looked on, and said, “Everything is subject to debate. There is no core of universal Christian faith.”

A believer punched him between the eyes.

“What did you do that for?”, he asked.

“My fist looked different to your two eyes. Therefore, I did not hit you.”


A novice said to a master, “I want to be a great man. What is the first thing I should do?”

The master answered, “Forget about being a great man.”


A novice asked a master, “How am I to resist temptation? My strongest efforts of willpower are not enough.”

The master asked the novice, “How am I to put out that fire? All the gasoline I own is not enough.”


A novice said to a master, “Which do you value more: the truth, or the ancient Christian way?”

The master grabbed the novice’s nose.

“Your response makes no sense,” said the novice.

“And neither does your question,” answered the master.


A novice said to a master, “I want to be totally devoted to God. Tell me how I should talk, how I should dress, how I should act.”

The master said to the novice, “I want to be spontaneous. Tell me how I should plan my day.”


A novice said to a master, “I am humble.”

The master said, “No, you are not humble.”

Another novice said, “I am not humble.”

The master said, “That’s right; you are not humble.”


A novice handed a master a check, saying, “Here is some money, so that you will be happy.”

The master put the check into the fire: “I wish the fire to be happy as well.”


A computer professional said to a master, “I’m tired of wasting my time doing little things for God. I want to do something big and important.”

The master said, “Tell me how to use a computer.”

The professional said, “Well, first you turn it on, then y-”

The master interrupted him. “Don’t waste my time talking about turning it on. I only want to know the important stuff.”


A novice said to a master, “Where should I go to meet with God?”

The master said, “The radiator vent you are standing on.”


A novice said to a master, “Tell me how to find deep, hidden secrets. I want to know beyond what is given to ordinary people to know.”

The master said, “There are piles of diamonds out in the open. Why do you go lurking in caves, chasing after fool’s gold?”


A novice said to a master, “I am sick and tired of the immorality that is all around us. There is fornication everywhere, drunkenness and drugs in the inner city, relativism in people’s minds, and do you know where the worst of it is?”

The master said, “Inside your heart.”


A man went to a cathedral where he had heard many miracles had occurred, visions of Heaven. “I have come all the way from America, to find God,” he told one of the believers.

“Aah. God has gone all the way to America, to find you.”


A novice once said to a master who was maimed, “Do you ever ask, ‘Why me?'”

The master said, “Yes, frequently. I ask God every day why he has given me so many blessings.”


A master was working at a soup kitchen, serving food, talking with the guests, listening to their stories.

“What are you doing?”, a novice asked.

“I am praying and telling God how much I love him.”

Later, after everyone had left, the master folded his hands, and said, “God, you are so awesome. Thank you for making me your child. I love you. Thank you for…”

The novice asked, “What are you doing?”

The master said, “I am loving God’s precious children.”


Someone said to a master, “What about the people who have never heard of Christ? Are they all automatically damned to Hell? Tell me; I have heard that you have studied this question.”

The master said, “What you need to be saved is for you to believe in Christ, and you have heard of him.”


A feminist theologian said to a master, “I think it is important that we keep an open mind and avoid confining God to traditional categories of gender.”

The master said, “Of course. Why let God reveal himself as masculine when you can confine him to your canons of political correctness?”


A novice said to a master, “My master, teach me!”

The master said, “How can I teach you? I am a novice, and you are a master.”


A novice and a master were walking together. The master said, “Oh, how it distresses God to see all the heresies and schisms in the Church.”

The novice said, “How do you know what God feels? You’re not God.”

The master said, “How do you know whether or not I know what God feels? You’re not me.”


A novice said to a master, “I wish that Christ were still around, that we could love him.”

The master picked up a little girl, and gave her a kiss.


One person said, “The Christian message is narrow-minded of different belief systems.”

Another said, “No, it is Christian missionaries and evangelists who are narrow-minded and intolerant of any different belief system.”

A master said, “Neither of you are right. It is you who are narrow-minded and intolerant of any really different belief system.”


A novice said to a master, “I want to serve God. What denomination should I join?”

The master said, “I want to be healthy. What part of my body should I cut off?”


Someone said to a master, “God is love, so he can’t condemn homosexual practice.”

The master said, “Doctors want people to be healthy, so they can’t call cancer ‘sickness’.”


A novice said to a master, “Take me to your highest priest.”

The master introduced him to each believer present, saying, “This is the highest priest. You will not find a more sacred priest.”


A novice asked a master, “Do you believe that some days are especially holy, or that all days are equally holy?”

The master said, “Yes.”


A novice asked a master, “How should I empty my mind of lust?”

The master said, “Fill it with Christ.”


A physicist said to a master, “I believe my own private religion, which I design to suit me, provide me with meaning, and make me happy. What better suited religion can you possibly claim to have?”

The master began to write on a sheet of paper, “Gravity shall pull things together except on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when gravity shall have no effects whatsoever. Objects at rest tend to begin to move; objects in motion tend to …”

“What on earth are you writing?”, the novice said,

“I believe my own private physics, which I design to suit me, provide me with meaning, and make me happy. What better suited physics can you possibly claim to have?”


A wealthy novice came to a master, and said, “Teach me!”

The master said, “Scrub out all the wastebaskets.”

The novice scrubbed out the wastebaskets and returned. The master did not give a word of thanks, so much as a smile. “Now weed the garden.”

The novice weeded the garden and returned. The master did not give a word of thanks, so much as a smile. “Now give us your car.”

The novice gave him his car, and then said in frustration, “Why haven’t you shown so much as a hint of gratitude? I have done menial service and given you my own car. Isn’t that a lot?”

The master said, “Yes, it is a lot, but we need neither your service nor your car. You came to us proud and accustomed to luxury. We gave you an opportunity to taste humble service. We gave you an opportunity to let go of a cherished possession. It is you who should be grateful.”


Someone said to a master, “Come to our forum. We talk and debate, and express our values and opinions. There is complete freedom, and anybody can believe anything he likes.”

The master said, “Do you masturbate?”

A shocked voice said, “What?”

The master calmly clarified, “Do you do with your genitals what you boast of doing with your mind?”


Someone said to a master, “I want to believe in God. Persuade me, so that I can believe.”

The master said, “I want you to be filled, but I can never eat enough to satisfy your hunger.”


A philosopher said to a master, “Our judgements can err. I try to doubt things and disbelieve what cannot be proven, so that I will not hold false beliefs.”

The master closed his eyes.

“What are you doing?”, the philosopher asked.

“When I walk, I sometimes bump into things,” the master explained. “I am closing my eyes so that the room will be empty.”


A novice came to a master, talking about the many evil things that stained Church history. After he had finished, the master said, “May I pour you a Coke?”

“Sure.”

The master returned with a glass full of icewater, and a two liter bottle of soda. He opened the bottle, poured until the glass was full to the brim – and then kept on pouring. The liquid flowed over the edges of the glass, pouring all over the gable, and spilled onto the floor.

“Stop!”, the novice protested. “What are you doing?”

“This glass cannot have any more soda poured into it until it is first emptied. And neither can you grasp the truth until you let go of thinking of the Church as you do now.”


A CEO sent a business card to a master, listing his name and title. The master sent a novice, saying, “Send him away. I have no time to waste with such a person!”

The visitor then scratched out his title and degrees, sending the card back with only his name.

“Aah, send him in!”, the master said. “I have been longing to meet that fellow.”


A visiting liberal theologian was talking with a master and said, “We have found a way of interpreting the whole Bible that is in accordance with our progressive and liberated beliefs.”

At that moment, the power went out, and the room was plunged into darkness.

“Just a minute,” the master said, and returned with a candle and some matches. He lit the candle, and they talked for a while longer.

After a time, the theologian wanted to get off to bed, and the master said, “Here, take this candle; it will light your way so that you will not stumble.”

As the visitor received the candle, the master blew it out.


A visiting novice said to a master, “I have been taught to carefully live by rules and not do anything that might cause me trouble, in order that I not do wrong.”

The master took a heavy stone, and dropped it on a small crystalline statuette, crushing it to dust. “I have protected that statue with a great stone, so that nothing can harm it.”


A novice asked a master, “Have you made much progress over what the Church used to believe in ancient times?”

The master said, “None of us considers himself wise enough to do better than what God has declared to be true. Do you?”


A novice asked a master, “Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

The master said, “Yes. No. Both.”

The novice said, “Please. It will help me better understand where you are coming from.”

The master said, “Is the elephant in your closet eating peanut butter? Answer me now, yes or no.”

“If I say either ‘yes’ or ‘no’,” the novice protested, “I will deceive you and set back your understanding greatly.”

“And if I say either ‘Catholic’ or ‘Protestant’,” the master answered, “I also will deceive you and set your understanding back greatly. I am a Christian. If you think anything more, you will know less.”


A novice told a master, “I am going to seminary.”

“Why?”, the master asked.

“To become well-versed in Scripture and Christian doctrine.”

The master began to walk out of the room.

“Where are you going?”, the novice asked.

“I am going to the garage,” the master answered.

“Why?”, the novice asked.

“To become a car.”


Someone challenged a master, saying, “The Bible and Christian tradition say, first, that God the Creator is all powerful, second, that God the Creator is all good, third, that God the Creator is all wise, and fourth, that there is evil in God’s creation now.

“These contradict each other, so one of them must be false. Which one do you deny?”

The master said, “I deny the one that says that your mind has the power, the wisdom, and the authority to put God in a box and say, ‘These contradict each other, so one of them must be false. You’re wrong, God.'”


“And in conclusion,” the speaker said, “truly understanding the overall teaching of Scripture requires that one disregard problematic passages such as the ‘Do not resist evil.’ in the Sermon on the Mount that was brought up earlier.”

“I agree completely,” the master said, “To get a good view of the forest, it is essential to chop down all the trees that keep obstructing your view.”


Someone told a master, “I memorize the Scriptures so that I will be able to answer anyone who comes to me, with the very words of God.”

The master said, “Let me tell you about that painting on the wall,” and described in perfect detail every hue, every brush stroke.

“Very well,” the visitor said, “but what is the painting a picture of?”

“Very well,” the master said, “but what is the Bible about?”


A novice asked a master, “Can’t God let even one of the damned enter into Heaven?”

The master said, “By the time the damned will enter Hell, they will be so steeped in evil that even Heaven would be Hell to them.”


A novice said to a master, “How can I reach up to God?”

The master said, “Let God reach down to you.”


A Star Trek fan told a master, “Christianity is like the Borg, sucking in every nation and race it can, making them like itself. I, for one, refuse to be assimilated.”

The master hung his head. “It is so sad.”

“What is so sad? That Christianity wants to assimilate me? That I refuse to be assimilated?”

“That the Borg has already assimilated you, and you believe it to be perfection.”

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