Eight-Year-Old Boy Diagnosed With Machiavellian Syndrome By Proxy (MSBP)

Satire / Humor Warning:

As the author, I have been told I have a very subtle sense of humor.

This page is a work of satire, inspired by the likes of The Onion and early incarnations of The Onion Dome.

It is not real news.

Read it on Kindle for $3!

Eight-year-old Uriah Hittite is an African-American boy with a disturbing history. He has been found guilty of single-handed, extended, and wasteful manipulations and draining government resources at a scale comparable to a large and coordinated /b/tard trolling attack.

Like a polished con artist, Hittite manipulated others so deftly they never guessed the bomb he was about to drop. He was reported to be outgoing, friendly and vigorous in physical activity. Neither friends, nor family, nor all the regular doctor visits showed the faintest problem.

Then, shortly after he turned five, he was administered a safe and routine second MMR vaccination, and only then did he tip his hand. And wow, did Hittite pull a surprise!

At first it started as a tiny trickle; he feigned such ordinary sickness as most healthy children do; his birth parents gave him a few days’ bed rest in the hopes that that would clear things out. Instead, he started acting worse and worse, to his birth parents’ complete bewilderment. Besides remaining symptoms of sickness, he drew into a shell, and his speech became much clumsier. While his birth parents were of limited means and not insured, they did what they should have done immediately and took him to the shelter of a local hospital’s emergency room.

The emergency room staff far too trustingly fell to Hittite’s deceit, and ran usual tests that failed to produce a medical explanation. Psychiatric staff, experienced as they were, were taken in too. His birth parents continued to foolishly request tests and all but appoint themselves as their little Uriah’s own doctors when it became evident that none of the MD’s was providing any sort of explanation.

When the birth parents failed to improve the matter, one of the doctors suggested that a change of scenery, without the birth parents’ dubious expenses. The birth parents consented to a brief and provisional custody.

Once inside better custody, external settings were better and he received the benefit of highly skilled cult deprogrammers who helped free him of certain needlessly constricting beliefs. This was done at great expense to the State, as deprogramming is difficult enough with grown adults of adequate intelligence, and he refused to communicate even at the level of a boy of his calendar age. It was decided to extend the custody indefinitely.

Finally a diagnostician was willing to call a spade a spade, and identify a classic case of Machiavellian Syndrome by Proxy (MSBP). There was nothing wrong with Hittite physically; he just had a master plan to squander and drain the states’ resources. However, with the laws presently in force, you are not allowed to unplug a useless eater. He remains a ward of state, in bed for twenty-three hours each day, not talking with anyone. The total amount he has drained state coffers is in the millions, not counting the expenses of quieting his former parents’ inappropriate efforts to regain contact with their former child.

There ought to be a law against demonstrating Machiavellian Symptom by Proxy (MSBP) like this!

You might also like…

Archdruid of Canterbury Visits Orthodox Patriarch

Jobs for Theologians

Profoundly Gifted Magazine Interviews Maximos Planos

Unvera Announces New Kool-Aid Line

Communities of Mount Mathos Release Another Open Letter to Ecumenist Patriarch

Satire / Humor Warning:

As the author, I have been told I have a very subtle sense of humor.

This page is a work of satire, inspired by the likes of The Onion and early incarnations of The Onion Dome.

It is not real news.

Thessaloniki (DP). A monk from one of the communities explained a recent uproar:

During a recent voyage that crossed the U.S., the Ecumenist Patriarch was approached by a beggar, and asked one of the priests with him to “Give him some change.”

The importance of this request simply cannot be overstated. It might perhaps have been appropriate to say, “Give him 37 cents,” or “Give him nothing,” or even “Give him twenty (or a hundred) dollars,” costly as that may be. However, to say to give someone some money, without specifying the amount, is in no way consistent with best practices in accounting. And what is Orthodoxy, if not a training ground for the life of an accountant?

Our reporter said, “Yes, but aren’t there two principles of accounting? Isn’t there room for both strict precision that knows what you have down to the last cent, but also a much smaller area where it isn’t worth the bother to keep tabs. Doesn’t basic accounting have some degree of flexibility for both basic principles, even if the absolute precision bit is the deeper of the two?”

The monk coughed, and shifted his position slightly. “I planned fifteen minutes for this interview. I see that those fifteen minutes have already elapsed.”

Archdruid of Canterbury Visits Orthodox Patriarch

Devotees of Fr. Seraphim (Jones) demand his immediate canonization and full recognition as “Equal to the Heirophants”
Jobs for theologians

Pope makes historic ecumenical bid to woo Eastern Rite Catholics

Humor

CJS HaywardEt cetera → Humor

A handful of humorous items. If you’re looking for a place to start, I suggest Procedures for the Adjustment and Repair of Televisions.

Automated Windows Tech Support (short)
I have here a personally developed automated Windows technical support system, available free of charge.

A Customer Experience Survey (short)
There’s a customer survey for everything

A Fully Functional Windows 95 Emulator That Runs Right in Your Browser (short)

Plans are underway for a fully functional Windows 7 emulator, but unfortunately are running into difficulties with IE6 compatibility.

Microsoft Offers Better “Truth in Advertising” for Windows XP Dialog Box
Microsoft has released a clarified wording for one of the most important—and most annoying—dialog boxes in the Microsoft Windows XP Operating System.

Procedures for the Adjustment and Repair of Televisions (short)

A number of methods may be used for dealing with televisions; here’s the one I think is best.

The Quintessential Web Page (short)
What is the Web? It’s a tough question to answer, perhaps because it’s so hard to define a typical web page. If you click on this link, however, you’ll be taken to about as quintessential of a web page as I believe exists.

Today, Florida Orange Juice. Tomorrow… (short)

Remember those TV commercials a few days back, where warm sunlit scenes were followed by a warm voice saying, “Florida Orange Juice. Because it makes you feel so good?” Here’s an update.

Orthodox humor

CJS HaywardOrthodox books online and more → Orthodox humor

This section has Christian jokes and humor, and the lighter side of Orthodoxy. If you are looking for a place to start, I suggest Archdruid of Canterbury Visits Orthodox Patriarch. But free to check out the Orthodox books section too.

1054 and All That (short)
The confused person’s guide to being even more confused about Orthodoxy.

Archdruid of Canterbury Visits Orthodox Patriarch (short)

If you don’t know what this refers to, do a Google search for “Archbishop of Canterbury becoming a Druid.” The issue is more complex than it looks, but not that much more complex.

Communities of Mount Mathos Release Another Open Letter to Ecumenist Patriarch

They seem to value precision and exactness…

Devotees of Fr. Cherubim (Jones) Demand his Immediate Canonization and Full Recognition as “Equal to the Heirophants” (short)
They’re at it. (Again.)

Evangelical Converts Striving to Be Orthodox (short)
You may have heard of the Evangelicals who studied hard, tried to re-create the Early Christian Church, and rediscovered the Orthodox Church. Here’s an update.

Pope Makes Historic Ecumenical Bid to Woo Eastern Rite Catholics (short)
Hot off the trail of the Pope’s offer to Anglicans comes a new historic bid, this time aimed at Eastern Rite Catholics(!).

Your Fast Track to Becoming a Bishop! (short)
The most convenient way to become an Orthodox bishop.

Microsoft offers better “truth in advertising” for Windows XP dialog box

Satire / Humor Warning:

As the author, I have been told I have a very subtle sense of humor.

This page is a work of satire, inspired by the likes of The Onion and early incarnations of The Onion Dome.

It is not real news.

CJSH.name/windows

Redmond, AP. Microsoft is preparing to release an update to Windows XP offering better “truth in advertising” for one of Windows XP’s most important dialogs. From a leaked screenshot:

A clarified version of one of the more important dialog boxes in Microsoft Windows XP, displayed when a program becomes unresponsive. The box that said, "End Now" is expanded to also say, "Lock up for 30 seconds and then just display another little window exactly like this one." The box that said, "Cancel" is expanded to also say, "Let's face the facts. You probably aren't going to win this battle of wills, at least not anytime soon. Why don't you give up now and save yourself the trouble?"
A Microsoft fan commented, “There may have been one or two glitches along the way, but XP was great—and Windows 7 will be the best Windows yet!” A Unix wizard muttered something about the tallest of the seven dwarves, before saying: “I know that some features are really advanced and it takes a long time to get them working, but did you know that old unfriendly Unix has offered users a choice between meekly asking a program to be kind enough to wind down, and forcing a program to immediately quit, since before the eighties? Since before Windows was a gleam in the future Sir Gates’s eye?”

“That may be,” the Microsoft fanboy said, “but Microsoft has the best ads. You have to admit that those Seinfeld ads were classic!”

The Unix guru opened his mouth, closed it, and refrained from further comment.

Ajax without JavaScript or client-side scripting

CJSH, a Python 3 based experimental, programmable Linux / Unix / Mac command line shell

A fully functional Windows 95 emulator that runs right in your browser

Usability for hackers: developers, anthropology, and making software more usable

Procedures for the adjustment and repair of televisions

Satire / Humor Warning:

As the author, I have been told I have a very subtle sense of humor.

This page is a work of satire, inspired by the likes of The Onion and early incarnations of The Onion Dome.

It is not real technical advice.

CJSH.name/tv

A rifle target with five holes.
The blurred caption reads: This target shot while over two years out of practice, and compensating for a gun with a misadjusted sight.

Automated Windows tech support

A customer experience survey

Religion within the bounds of amusement

Your fast track to becoming a Bishop!

Pope makes historic ecumenical bid to woo Eastern Rite Catholics

Satire / Humor Warning:

As the author, I have been told I have a very subtle sense of humor.

This page is a work of satire, inspired by the likes of The Onion and early incarnations of The Onion Dome.

It is not real news.

CJSHayward.com/pope

Rome (AP). His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has made a historic ecumenical bid to woo Eastern Rite Catholics and stop treating them as second class citizens. Eastern Rite Catholics are essentially Eastern Orthodox Christians who were received into full communion with the Catholic Church under an an agreement intended to let them to preserve their Orthodox liturgy and faith. In the centuries since this historic agreement, Eastern Rite Catholics have found themselves not exactly treated as first-class citizens by the Roman Catholic Church.

In the nineteenth century, the Eastern Rite Catholic priest Alexis Toth entered the U.S. and found that Archbishop Ireland rejected him as a Catholic, not recognizing his Orthodox rite nor even recognizing him or his bishop as clergy, but demanding Roman behavior and Roman rites, nor accepting that Toth quoted chapter and verse demonstrating that he was allowed to continue his traditional practices as an Eastern Rite Catholic priest. Alexis Toth, regarded today as a saint by the Orthodox Church, was a leader among those moving from being treated as second-class citizens by Rome to come home to the Orthodox Church.

Today, Eastern Rite Catholics enjoy somewhat better treatment, but it is a matter of some debate how much better today’s treatment really is. In Rome, priests are basically required to be celibate; in Orthodoxy, prospective priests are usually expected to be married before they are ordained to the priesthood, and Rome respects this by allowing married Eastern Rite Catholics to be ordained priests. However, given the state of U.S. Catholic church politics, Rome is very reluctant to let married men be ordained priest on U.S. soil: Eastern Rite Catholic bishops from the U.S. may only ordain married men to the priesthood if they have special, case-by-case permission to ordain that particular man, and this is actually an improvement: not long ago, Eastern Rite Catholics had to be flown be flown to another continent entirely if married men were to be ordained to the priesthood. This is how Rome allows Eastern Rite Catholics to preserve their Orthodox tradition and practices. (Rumor has it this is not the only rough point of how Rome treats its Eastern Rite Catholics today.)

But the Pope is very keen on restoring communion and seeing that all Eastern Orthodox become Eastern Rite Catholics, or rather restore communion with Rome, if that is really any different. Now that Anglicans have been offered full communion with Rome while keeping a great deal of their liturgy and faith, the Pope is now tackling the ambitious task of allowing Eastern Rite Catholics to keep their liturgy and faith as first-class members within the Roman communion. Some sources suggest the move may be intended to ease Eastern Orthodox apprehensions about being under papal authority implied in restoring communion with Rome.

At present, details remain sketchy about how the Pope intends to improve Eastern Rite Catholics’ standing. Perhaps only time will tell what it is like to be in full communion with Rome while preserving your tradition’s liturgy and faith.

Archdruid of Canterbury visits Orthodox Patriarch

Evangelical converts striving to be Orthodox

An Open Letter to Catholics on Orthodoxy and Ecumenism

Twelve quotes on Orthodoxy, ecumenism, and Catholicism